soft slight grass

[rose]

somethings wrong
not right
not working
space invaded
feeling weary
wanna scream,
emotons free
no talking
no working
pointless,unfree.

express needed
bond lacking
usual feeling
pointless frustration
mind relax...

moonlight
feeling,
soft slight grass
mind flows beautifully
open air
breathe so light
hear the sounds of the night
soft peaceful
night of honor
each time
every time
disappointments farther
walk furthur
walk light
do not interupt
sounds of the night
take me
take this
to my dreams
of blissfullness
awake my slumber of nightful wonders
only to lay
in soft slight grass
and see the moon
so close, alas.
~A~

[rose]

please tell me what you think of this one.........?!

[parch]

it was a little too choppy for me.. as a reader i couldn't get into it because i needed explanation for a lot that didn't flow in my head.

[Hannibal]

*scratches his head* I suppose that sometimes I do just that, what you did in this poem. Or at least what I think you did. I like it. Like parch, I thought some parts were a tad choppy, however I kinda got a feeling of flow with it once I read it again. *shrugs* I like it... but then again, I like the moon in the dead of night.

[parch]

as machine head said,

"gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

[machinery]

when did I say "grrrrrrrr"? - haha

anyhows and ways, I liked the idea of this, but, there are some ruff spots that don't mix well with my minds stomach....as parch said, it is choppy....but poetry can also acheive some different with it being choppy....maybe if you structured your lines differently, use spacing, tab in a couple times....break up words, zoom in on the strong parts by making them stick out more...etc etc

second, the ryhmes always kill me....maybe because I can't do, or I choose not to...but with this short of girth on the lines....the rhymes come too fast for me....it's almost like a carousel going round and round....

i don't know, but these are my opinons....seee what you think...and give me a reply back....

[rose]

i wanted the first part to be like a carousal...its the way my emotions were flowing. so intense that it made my head spin. but after the line mind relax...should slow down. im gonna work on the structure of it a little...
~A~